Finding myself again

Let me start by describing my old point of view on motherhood. I did not want to be a mother. Ever. I was determined to keep to this idea the rest of my life. This was not a secret I kept to myself, either. I was very vocal about how I had no desire to be a mother. Don't get me wrong, kids are cute, but they weren't for me. I never felt that I could relate or interact with children. I didn't understand how they worked or how to communicate with them. Being that I am the youngest of 5 children, all close in age, and having most of my cousins around my age, I never really interacted with children. When I happened to be in a situation where interaction was available I felt like kids just gave me blank stares to any attempt I tried in connecting with them. Meanwhile, it seemed that every one else was able to play and laugh with the children. I refused to make any compromises to appeal to the children such as participate in "baby" talk or funny faces because it didn't fit my personality. I have always enjoyed my independence and I did not want the "burden" of a child holding me back from freely going anywhere or doing anything. I was also scared of the effects a pregnancy would have on my body and the permanent changes that could be made. I felt that I knew relatively nothing about children or how to take care of them for more than a few hours. I valued my sleep. I was not comfortable with the physical act of giving birth and did not view it as a "beautiful" process. Basically, I had a long list of reasons not to have a child and that was reason enough for me.

Luckily, I married a very understanding and accepting man. He never pressured me to have a child but did express interest in wanting a child someday. He made it clear that the decision would be mine to make. There were those who doubted I would forever stick to the "no children" plan and I would assure them it was not for me. Then, there were those who agreed that although, I wouldn't be a bad mother, I didn't have the personality for the task. I didn't watch Disney movies as a child or at least do not recall them, really. I never got excited over seeing a baby, nor did I have a desire to hold them. I didn't know nursery rhymes or children games. I very much enjoyed my lifestyle free of children and did not feel the urge to compromise that with offspring. My mother was unaccepting of my claim to never have children and would occasionally bring up the issue of me needing to start a family.

Everything was going well until things in my life starting settling. Most of my friends had moved on from me since I was married. My husband and I had graduated with our bachelor degrees. My husband had continued on to grad school and eventually I followed. 2 years after being married we moved out of our college town and into a suburban area. We were surrounded by families. This did not phase me because previously, we were surrounded by newly weds with babies and that was worse. I wasn't bothered by other people having children but by the fact that I was expected to follow suit. My husband had his first real paying job. We started saving for a house (or in our case, rental property). After almost a year of living in our new environment I started to be haunted by my thoughts of having children. At first, I felt that it was just the pressure of the culture I lived in and it's expectations to have children. I was determined to not conform to the idea that I "needed" to be a mother that was so often talked about within the culture. Then, I thought it was probably just a fleeting feeling. I had my dog and that was child enough for me. Even that had it's challenges I didn't enjoy. I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself for some time.

One day I worked up the courage to nonchalantly bring up the idea to my husband. Of course, he didn't take me seriously at first given that I had insisted for years that I would never have children and why. I expressed how I felt like I was missing something. That is when things really took off. We starting the process of looking for property to buy and I had a realization. Who was I to deny my husband of a child? I made the commitment to him and he was so willing to accept my decision not to have children. I decided I was being selfish as a wife and over my body. I was so concerned about the physical repercussions and what I saw as forfeiting my youth. I realized that I was missing the bigger picture. Who would care for me when I was old? I never thought that was reason enough to have a child but I felt I needed to be forced, in a way, to be less selfish and learn to sacrifice more. Once I made the decision I was sure. Even though I didn't exactly know what I was getting myself into. I felt it was the right thing to do and tried not to worry about the rest, especially when I felt I was not equipped personality wise to be a mother. Four months later we had bought a four-plex, moved in, and I was pregnant. Wow, there was no turning back now. And so, the story of redefining who I was and everything I fought against begins. More on this to come.